Bearded ladies are all winners.

I have two contests going on this blog right now. This post will announce the winners of the Bearded Lady contest. The Spy Week giveaway winners will be announced later in the day. Promise.

Remember when you were in summer camp and there was a contest of some kind? And you got all nervous and excited because you thought you might win, but you were afraid you might lose? Then all that angst turned out to be for naught because everyone’s a winner.

Right. I’m about to pull a summer camp on you all. The free-the-Dwarven-ladies-of Middle-earth protest beards have been submitted. And, I can’t pick one winner, so everyone wins.

Now, if you’re an eye-clawing, hair-pulling, extremely competitive person, this refusal to judge may seem lame, but when you see the contestants, I know you’ll understand.

Now, for you who have just tuned in and have no idea what a protest beard is or what I’m blathering about, let me condense this contest into a few heavily hyperlinked sentences:A couple weeks ago I posted about the horrible gender inequality among Middle-earth dwarves. In that post I wore a couple of protest beards that I had made myself and Photohsopped into a grassrootsy PSA for dwarvish women’s lib. That got a lot of hits, so 10 days ago, I asked readers to submit photos of themselves wearing their own protest beards.  There. That should bring you up to speed.

Oh, and one more thing. If you missed the contest deadline and you still want to send a beard in, please do. If I get any more beards I will post them on the blog, because I love dwarvish freedom, and also because I love silly photos of people wearing  paper beards with slogans of protest on them. Who doesn’t?

Now – on to the contestants, who are also the winners:

"You do NOT own me!"

Nancy, 26, wins the prize for best rune usage. I’m serious. Nancy’s “You do NOT own me!” is written using the rune tables in Appendix E of Return of the King. I checked. Thorin Oakenshield, you just got served. And in your own language, too.

"I will survive the darkness."

Jess, a freshly minted RN, wins the prize for most stoic beard. She will soldier on, in those halls of stone, but she will do it on her own terms. That’s my read on this. Just look at the determination in her eyes as she peers over her faux face-fur. Don’t let those bastards get you Khazad-dôwn, Jess.

"I bear an axe and a child!" and "Don't melt down my dreams before they are forged!"

The prize for the best mother-daughter beards (and also best use of props and wardrobe) go to Dawn and daughter River, 5. These are some fierce dwarf-ladies. I pity any orc that wanders too close to them. I also pity any dwarf who attempts to dominate them. Helms will be cloven before these two are oppressed!

"Equal gold for equal mining!"

The prize for the best handcrafted beard (and most appropriate name) goes to Eowyn, whose age I did not get. Eowyn made her own beard after school and I think it’s clear that like most dwarves, she is a skilled craftswoman. That’s why she too has the right to work at the forge for equal wages!

"I want to have adventures too!"

The prize for youngest socially-conscious Daughter of Durin goes to two-year-old Teagan, who is also Eowyn’s sister. Teagan was the very first to submit a beard to this contest.

Congratulations to all the Daughters of Durin who participated! All the adults will be receiving a copy of my e-book as a prize. All the children will be getting something different –  a children’s e-book written by my mother and illustrated by my father. It’s about dinosaurs. And the protagonist is a girl Brachiosaurus. Her name is Dinah. I think you’ll like it. My father is putting the finishing touches on the e-book this weekend, and I will email it to all of the children when it’s ready.

Thank you for participating, all. This contest has made the last 10 days so much more fun.